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The Choice for the Single Professional ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS LIFESTYLES/SPOTLIGHT
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED ...BUT FINDING IT CAN BE HARD WORK. DENVER'S 'DATING GURU' TELLS HOW TO MARKET YOUR SELF
SHERRI
VASQUEZ
Approach your next date like it's a job interview and you're more likely to get a call-back, says Bonnie Barnes, a Denver relationship counselor who teaches dating and relationship workshops for women. Dating can be serious business, and a hard-nosed approach can give you the winning edge. "You have to market yourself and play up your assets," Barnes says. "I teach recruiting skills such as bringing the right people into your life and sales techniques that help you get the one you're really interested in." Barnes, who with Tisha Clarke co-authored How to Get a Man to Make a Commitment or Know When He Never Will, is fast becoming Denver's dating guru. She hosts a call-in radio show from 5 to 7 p.m. Sundays on KTLK-760 AM. Barnes, who is not a therapist, teaches workshops based on her book and personal experience. "I've been married three times, so obviously I know how to get someone to make a commitment," she says. "Life has taught me a lot of lessons and people come to me for advice," says Barnes, who is listed as a relationship counselor with the State of Colorado Mental Health Grievance Board and is a member of the American Counseling Association. Dating is hard work and should be approached with a can-do attitude, Barnes says. "People hate dating because they're always in a new situation. They want to jump into the middle of a relationship before it gets started." Get out of the house is the first advice Barnes gives her students. "A lot of people have a delivery-service mentality - they think the perfect person is going to show up at their door." Forget about chance and take control, she suggests. Create choices by attending events and joining organizations where you will meet lots of singles. Top of the Week jazz nights are a good place, she says, as are dining clubs such as Dinner for Six and dating clubs. Dating clubs can be expensive, she cautions, so make the most of your membership by visiting the organization's offices two to three times a week to review listings, pictures and videos of new members. "Commit to the process, not the goal," Barnes says. "Each date brings you closer to your goal - a committed relationship. But remember, it's a process of elimination." She advises women to first meet their personal/internet-ad dates at neutral spots such as coffeehouses and restaurants. Avoid disclosing too much personal information before you've had a chance to check them out, she adds. Barnes' workshops include guidance on writing effective personal ads. Move out of your circle "Denver is a small town. It has it's own little cliques and everybody in them has been recycled," she says. "If you're going to meet new people you have to join new groups that create new opportunities." OK, so you've done all this and finally met the man of your dreams. How do you interest him and convince him you're his dream woman? Let the man be the pursuer "Men need to pursue women," she says. "It's their life. If you're challenging, a man will pursue you. If you're burping and feeding him, he'll think 'Mom.' It's not in your best interest to chase him. Either he's interested or he's not." Dating protocol hasn't changed much since the 1950s, it seems, even in this age of gender equity. "I grew up in a generation when everyone got married," says Barnes, 53. ''People followed these guidelines and married. Women today don't follow them, and they're not getting married." Don't call him, wait around for him, buy him things, send him cards, or make him things when the relationship is new, she advises. "Challenge him and give him room to pursue you. It's natural for women to go overboard and be nurturing and maternal," says Barnes. "I teach the opposite, which goes against a woman's nature. With a little discipline and control, a woman can create the behavior that'll get his interest."
If he isn't interested, accept it and move on, she says. If a man is interested, keep him interested by giving him your attention. Barnes offers these tips: * Respond positively when you're with him. Look him in the eye instead of checking out the room or watching others. * Have a good attitude and keep it light. * Put your best foot forward. * Be good company. Don't be angry that he hasn't reciprocated your efforts, and don't tell him all your problems. * Acknowledge what he does for you and tell him how much you appreciate it. Reciprocate at some point and make him a nice, simple dinner. * Be warm, but not overly personal. * Leave feeling good about yourself.
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DINNER FOR SIX has been featured in THE DENVER POST, THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS, WB2 NEWS & OTHERS "Best Singles Dining Club" As Seen in Westword's Best of . . . 03, 04 & 05
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